Seeking

Fly, Fly
A friend, J. turned me on to this... I think it may be the Link of the year!

Can anyone tell I am really losing some blog steam here? I am still an avid reader though, I adore all your blogs!
I was ready to can the whole blog thing when the most amazing thing happened, the kind of thing you want to tell the world about, or even just the 5 people that read your blog and know already.
I became engaged Saturday, August 20th!

The past week has been beyond exciting. I feel extremely spiritual in the sense that a relationship like the one I have and the beautiful marriage I have to look forward to were seemingly impossible in the dismal existence 4 years (and some change) ago.

Over 4 years ago I could not care for another human being. I did not even take the time to have solid relationships with my family. I'll spare everyone the dramatic details of my unsuccessful romantic relationships. I was very much a mooch, a leech, and incapable of relating to those in my life.

How far things have come...
Although I have continued to battle the resin left by my former life in the past few years, I am amazed by the change that has come about and the undeserved gifts I have been granted.

Sarah, Cecily and Julie all gave me the most wonderful hugs and of course praise of my newly adorned ring last week. I can not express how moments like that feel. I didn't once get the "Are you crazy? look"

So my thoughts on engagement, relationships and men boil down to this:
When you know, you know. (profound huh?)

For the past two years I have struggled to learn how to meet a romantic ideal. I have tried to do the right things and accept that people fall short and that I fall short in so many areas when it comes to matters of the heart. I have been as honest as possible. I have lied. I have sought advice from others. I have been scoffed at and scorned. I have been praised and admired. I have done everything right and everything wrong.

Since I began dating my now fiance, I have felt no struggle and there has been no trying. Things just come naturally. It feels as if we have been together for years and in the honeymoon phase all at once.
I recognize that we will see our fair share of trials and tribulations, but I look forward to the challenge. I know I am loved and I know my love is trusted and received. Things just feel beginningless, as if they always were. Oh and I feel beautiful in sweatpants and with a few extra pounds.

I was at a recovery group meeting last night and one of the members told me it seems like I have just done everything right in terms of recovery. Ugh. This scared the crap out of me as I knew it is not the case...She then amended what she said: "Well, I mean, not always, But you have done everything you needed to do." That made sense. Although often painful, especially with men and relationships, I absolutly did what I needed to do to get where I am. I would not have it any other way.

Salvador recently said to Samantha that he could envision her pulling off funky styled attire, or something to that effect. Samantha got that distant look in her eyes and recalled a time when she wore giantic pants and face stickers while dancing ten hours strait (bleeding toes) at raves.
She really did.


So, I have been thinking about postmodernism and fashion and during my internet perusing have become obsessed with the Gothic-Lolita Japanese styled clothing sub culture popularized in the States by Gwen Stefani.

Anyway, I wonder how odd it would seem if I just spontaneously began showing up to things in this new style, something has to save me from my "little know job" as the poster child for this.


Anyway Some Examples:






The mini and regular head dressings adorned by teens all over Asia are sublime:






LoliGoth is said to be a reaction to the Kogal and Ganguro trends. These are kind of a scary themed look but none-the-less post-modern. I favor the gothy rivals.


Some creepy Kogals








Not to be confused with the more extreme Ganguro...



...funny, the look I am trying to escape from

I am away for the week.
Thanks for the great comments and I'll be back posting again soon!
Rich- I will get into those JC novels asap!
Al- Your the best: All hail Eros!

One of my favorite novels in my teens was The Illuminatus Trilogy. I have spent the last decade trying and failing to turn people on to this sort of bible of conspiracy theories and discordianism.

It just doesn't take.

However, I was thinking in relation to the nature of current events and the mass movement towards postmodern activity, the kind of humor in The Trilogy and other similar novels is very applicable to the here and now. Check it out.

Another fetish of mine as a teen included J.R. Bob Dobbs, who you may remember portrayed on one of the CDs of the band Sublime.

If your into this sort of stuff (which you probably have either grown out of or will never be interested in) listen the Album, Chill Out by the KLF and pay attention to the lyrics.

True Story:
I once referred to myself as Madrugata Eterna, the Goddess of Pork and Beans while slipping Illuminatus related pamphlets into the car windshield of the disciplinarian at my high school.

fnord.

Will the real search engine please stand up? ...For the postmodern search!