Seeking

I am feeling the need to just write today. I have been doing tons of blog reading and I realize that although the theme blogs are amusing and clicking on links that other people like is good clean entertainment; it is not what is endearing about blogging. Personal reflection is so much more engaging. I am going to try to get into that groove for a little:

I finally began my Peace Corps application. My goal is to complete it by the end of August. Besides my desire to be in service in another country, I am beginning to feel a little antsy to experience something outside of my city, my daily grind, the usual faces and the usual schedule.

Since I became sober in November of 2000, I've spent the last couple years redefining everything that I have known. My primary focus has been self-improvement and "becoming a productive member of society". I've learned to live according to spiritual principles and then unlearned and rearranged the meaning of those principals. In the words of Parliament and the Funkadelics I've "Programmed, De-Programmed and Re-programmed" a thousand times over. This isn't to say I have not had perhaps the most enlightening, creative and joyful years of my life. I guess I am just feeling the need for some serious sensory adjustments. I crave the unfamiliar.

The past month or so I have had no clue if I still desire to work in film. I am not clear on if I feel like going back for a Grad degree is something I want or something I think I should do. I am not sure if I am selfless or doing what I think I should be doing to fill a self-centered desire. I am clueless about where I want to live or what I want to do. I guess all typical uncertainties for a recent graduate who just began work "in the real world."

I guess what is even more significant then all my current ambiguity is that which I am suddenly certain about. I know now that I want to be married soon. I know I'd like to have children when I return from the Peace Corps (if I am accepted). I know I should make some serious changes in my relationships. Mostly, that I want to be better at nurturing my fun, loving and healthy friendships and that I want to eliminate those that are not. I'd like to meet some new and different people. I don't want to gossip.
I am growing up.

It is funny that I am probably the happiest, most confident and most peaceful I have ever been. I still want more.