Seeking

Can anyone tell I am really losing some blog steam here? I am still an avid reader though, I adore all your blogs!
I was ready to can the whole blog thing when the most amazing thing happened, the kind of thing you want to tell the world about, or even just the 5 people that read your blog and know already.
I became engaged Saturday, August 20th!

The past week has been beyond exciting. I feel extremely spiritual in the sense that a relationship like the one I have and the beautiful marriage I have to look forward to were seemingly impossible in the dismal existence 4 years (and some change) ago.

Over 4 years ago I could not care for another human being. I did not even take the time to have solid relationships with my family. I'll spare everyone the dramatic details of my unsuccessful romantic relationships. I was very much a mooch, a leech, and incapable of relating to those in my life.

How far things have come...
Although I have continued to battle the resin left by my former life in the past few years, I am amazed by the change that has come about and the undeserved gifts I have been granted.

Sarah, Cecily and Julie all gave me the most wonderful hugs and of course praise of my newly adorned ring last week. I can not express how moments like that feel. I didn't once get the "Are you crazy? look"

So my thoughts on engagement, relationships and men boil down to this:
When you know, you know. (profound huh?)

For the past two years I have struggled to learn how to meet a romantic ideal. I have tried to do the right things and accept that people fall short and that I fall short in so many areas when it comes to matters of the heart. I have been as honest as possible. I have lied. I have sought advice from others. I have been scoffed at and scorned. I have been praised and admired. I have done everything right and everything wrong.

Since I began dating my now fiance, I have felt no struggle and there has been no trying. Things just come naturally. It feels as if we have been together for years and in the honeymoon phase all at once.
I recognize that we will see our fair share of trials and tribulations, but I look forward to the challenge. I know I am loved and I know my love is trusted and received. Things just feel beginningless, as if they always were. Oh and I feel beautiful in sweatpants and with a few extra pounds.

I was at a recovery group meeting last night and one of the members told me it seems like I have just done everything right in terms of recovery. Ugh. This scared the crap out of me as I knew it is not the case...She then amended what she said: "Well, I mean, not always, But you have done everything you needed to do." That made sense. Although often painful, especially with men and relationships, I absolutly did what I needed to do to get where I am. I would not have it any other way.