Seeking

This evening I decided to read over all of my old journals, something I have not done in years.
I found two writings that I thought would be interesting to share.

The first is a poem I wrote living in a half way house not even thirty days sober:

Everything consuming into itself,
the cycle of rebirth in reverse,
infinite inside out.
Seeing backwards inside our heads, inexpressive, detutionalized, ungrown
unprone, despun.
Deblooming flowers,
roots pulling up from the ground rising to the imploding atmosphere,
growing an umbilical cord.
Blowing milk into a mothers breast,
sinking rapid into rest.
Bullets running into barrel's.
Vinyl playing sublimial, defunked, ungodlyness, unsunk.
Unzipped, unhung, derect, unclimactic and no effect.
Itself consuming into everything.
12-15-2000

This next piece I found written exactly a month later in my journal, I hope it sounds familiar to some, it was part of Nelson Mandela's 1996 Inaugural Speech written by Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? You are a child of God, your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; It's in everyone. And as we let our own shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson -Read by Nelson Mandela in 1996
Journaled for personal reflection 01-14-2001

I also found an entry inbetween these two where I jotted down something my lover at the time, J, had said to me that day:

J said:

"sometimes it seems like your view of the universe is bi-polar, that one day you are passionate and in love with everything and the next day you are almost fed up, and when it comes down to it, you still really know it's all just a huge collective dream".

I think these old journal entries perfectly express how I have felt the past few days.