Seeking

New blog

2006-02-13T10:54:00.000-08:00

Thank you to approximating a life for the comment,
Apparently some of you still do check my blog..
I've decided a clean slate may improve the situation, if you are still out there and are still interested please check out my new blog..
http://wontyousigninstranger.blogspot.com/

New Blogger

2005-12-15T10:37:00.000-08:00

Please add this new blogger to your list of reading. The writer is a good friend. Although we do not always share the same political views, it is very important for me to remain open minded and spend some time debating with this fantastic writer.

Alive in the long Week 5

2005-12-14T06:37:00.000-08:00

I feel like the offering my feelings of creative inadequacy in my former post has resulted in an awakening of sorts.

As Charlie suggested in my comments section, it is amazing what you see when you look for it. For example, several events this past week have really inspired me, mostly because they are, well, inspiration provoking events-- but also because I have been extra sensitive and open to this sort of incubation, as I was ranting about earlier.

The first was the Fiona Apple concert I attended at the Tower (last minute surprise from Salvador).

Fiona has been mysteriously MIA in terms of making music since her last album (that I played out years ago.) So, it was super fascinating to see what has happened since then. Fiona is my age and although all her songs seem to be about past relationships, I am fairly certain there is more to it then that. My guess is some form of recovery from some sort of disease of the self-destructive genre.
Five seconds into her first performance I was surprised to find that she has evolved from her little skinny sex kitten thing to a raving lioness! When she spoke I felt like I was listening to Joplin talking: Wraspy, sarcastic and real. During the acoustic version of her newest song the creeping intensity of the primarily female crowd reminded me of how a shot of tequila feels as it crawls slowly up the back of my spine. Okay, bad metaphor, but I highly recommend the new album, she's an acquired taste but worth the listen. Plus, I left the show wanting to become a rock star all over again. Or, at least, write another blog entry.

The next event took place just the other night at the Palestra, aka the cathedral of college basketball.

Now my fiance told me before the game that everyone has to make their pilgrimage to the Palestra, that is just "one of those things". He was referring, of course, to the best and greatest young basketball players. Well, I thought he meant me. So, of course, in my mind I am anticipating my great pilgrimage to the Palestra...And that, it became.
The court is really just like a high school basketball gym and reminded me of sophomore year pep rallies (who knows how I remember those as I was usually cutting class on pep rally days.) Anyway, the smell of the place, the vibration of the chanting students, the bench style seats with spray painted numbers on them and the mural images of some of the greatest basketball players of all time was such a treat.
So, attending my first Big 5 game, one of Philly's greatest athletic traditions, was, well, worth the pilgrimage! Immersing myself in the energy of the game unexpectedly got me fairly fired up!

The last event, is actually a weekly thing that keeps taking on new meaning. Every week a girl friend of mine and I take a long walk together from my studio to the Art Museum. Usually it takes us no more then an hour, there and back. Well, these walks have really become sacred to me. They are kind of the like the movie Keeping The Faith. Okay, so my friend is not a Priest, and I am far from a Rabbi. But she is very comfortable with her religion of choice. Although I am only mostly, kind of Jewish the difference between us and our beliefs has made for an intense spiritual, intellectual and fascinating discussion each week.
The intimate nature of the one on one walk, the scenery around us and a shared goal provide a really safe space for me to talk about religion. I don't feel judged, nor pressured to accept her beliefs nor secretly superior, I feel right sized and open minded and able to listen. Religion, although I am not convinced it will ever be for me is something I need to talk about or else I become bitter, insecure and disillusioned.

I don't know perhaps all these moments this week seem redundant or obvious in their inspirational nature..It is just so much more effective when I pay attention.

So there you have it, some motivation towards a big idea, or something.

Inspiration

2005-12-12T10:05:00.000-08:00

To accompany my personal goal of "meditating on a big idea" blog last week, I thought I would share a bit of what inspires me. Plus, I have finally got it together to post pictures.

The following is a pictorial of the scenery I absorb everyday on my 30 minute trek home from work. This is usually where I do my obsessive thinking and the occasional spiritual connecting. My favorite part of the walk is across this bridge which has a little guarded footbridge for pedestrians. Primary these photos are from the inside of the metal fence guard rail thing on the pedestrian foot bridge.

I approach this apropos corner everyday:

This was a gloomy day and I cheated too (the image is obviously from the car) and not my actual foot commute but this is good long view of the bridge:

View from the middle point of bridge around 5:15pm:

Secret footbridge artwork (Isn't street art becoming exceptionally evolved and jeez there is some real depth and weight in these anonymous works):

Over the one side of the bridge:

Post-bridge walk:

And finally my fiance and I thought this was kind of witty (actually, we just kept saying we should take a picture of it):

Well, that was a long week

2005-12-02T13:49:00.000-08:00

Okay so that was an extra long week of trying to be a bit more kind to others.
I think I was more mindful about how I was behaving but not necessarily "nicer" per say. Well, I did my best.

The past two weeks have been filled with holiday shopping galore, preparing for a big move in the end of December and lots and lots of family. Hence I have not posted for awhile. My dad gave me the little nudge, so, here I am.

I have to admit I miss the days of postmodern blogging. For whatever reason I need a stronger blog theme but it is just not coming to me. Oddest thing about that is I used to be able to write very well:

Ok, little known fact, I kind of was a writer. Meaning: I identified myself as a writer...Okay, more as an artist. But as a youth, the one asset, skill or talent I seemed to possess was writing. I optimistically sent poetry in to journals, zines and magazines for publishing, I impressed my high school English teachers, my childhood journals still fill molded over boxes to this day. I have short stories, term papers, screenplays...finished and unfinished, all sitting in notebooks or in obscurely labeled computer files.

The sad part is, I have lost it. The grammar, the metrical structure, the fluid way of inserting metaphors at the right moment. Even my prose blows. Theis particular talent just melted away. Seemingly more important things have taken up space in that part of my brain.

Another little known fact, I come from a family of writers. Trust me, I know it is hard to tell based on my blogging, but really I do. Both sides. Successful, published, poets, New York Times and multiple-novel kind of writers are all out there with the same blood as I.

And here I am: the sudo-film maker, sudo-installation artist, sudo-creative minded yuppie kid. I mean my nails are polished and I joined the fantasy fashion league for Gawd's sake.

I understand that is ok to be lost. Being unclear about what to do for creative projects and spending a few years, quite a few, with out a pen in hand is all part of the creative process..But what if it sticks? What if I never return to it?

In film making there is this period in the process of creating a film idea that cheesy film people (and other artists) call incubation. It is self-explanatory really, but it is important. It is when you sort of have an idea of what you want the story, the look, the feel of the film to be but then you need a few weeks to just observe the world, go to museums, watch movies, drink tea, meditate..let the idea incubate.

I have been incubating since December at this time last year, when I finally made it out of undergrad with my BA. I am ready to manifest something, anything. Whether I start writing again or not. All in all I am getting antsy creative wise. It is almost a family legacy in a sense. Just like athletics, or military service. Maybe I'll come back from the Peace Corps with a novel in hand, or at least an idea for one.

Okay, rant over.

My goal for week 5? Meditation on a big idea. More incubation.

Week 4, Being nice

2005-11-10T16:00:00.000-08:00

Week Three Updates:

I successful avoided using SEPTA all week!! Amazing. I am back on now.

I increased my water intake by at least 5-8 PTs per day, which resulted in a better functioning tummy, easier work outs and some early morning clarity which I don't think I ever related to water intake before.

I am hoping I did some educating about this Altio character, but I think with these readers I may just preaching to the choir.

My parents have not mentioned the blog recently so who knows if they enjoyed it more or not last week. I just like messing with them to be honest.

I think my attitude has not been the greatest so this week I am seeking to be kinder to everyone I come in contact with.

Sometimes I get really discouraged by the world. The five o clock news becomes overbearing. The niner to fiver gig becomes a swinging pendulum that has lost it's intrigue. I sometimes find I am not even turned on by creative ventures, cool documentaries or long discussions about Einstein and atoms. It is these times that I know kindness towards others will pull me out and provide me with needed hope for myself in relation to the world.

Going with this flow if you have never read Hope For The Flowers, I recommend stopping by your local book store this week and giving it a peek.

Oh and I discovered listening to David Bowie albums at work makes things easier.

Week 3

2005-11-01T12:24:00.000-08:00

Week 2's goal? Working on my peace corps application. Besides what I already wrote about, I have done nothing. I still have until February, when I will actually need to have it completed. I just haven't had the time recently. Which brings us to Week 3:

First things first: My parents have informed me that they are not crazy about the new blog style and weekly plan thing. They are not sure they get it. What does everyone else think? Too personal, too boring, need more time to decide? I am curious and welcome constructive criticism.

So in addition to my Week 3 task, I plan to try and make my blog more interesting for my parents.

Now for my week 3 goal for self and/or world improvement:

I plan to drink more water, Stop Alito, oh and not use SEPTA to travel any where for a while (just to, you know, enjoy the out doors more)

The water is just this thing I have been obsessing about. The more I consume the better I feel. I have gained a significant amount of weight since I gave up these. Besides returning to a regular work out program, I think I have arrived at the point in my life where I need to be way more conscious of what I am taking into my body. I am feeling the need for some sort of liquid detox coupled with the use of daily vitamins. I am probably never going to be vegan or ultra diet conscious but I'd like to develope better habits.
Fine, mostly I just want to look stunning in my wedding dress.

My campaign to Stop Alito is really not that pro-active (just click on my current causes) However, I do think discussing this is important. I also want to prepare every one for Week 45 when I plan to start a revolution.

I am super freaked about this guy. Besides the fact that he will have the power to undo everything that has been accomplished for women's rights in the past 40 years
I found this little blurb about him:

He was a standout student, a valedictorian who served as student council president in his senior year. His yearbook entry lists 10 clubs and extracurricular activities, including band, track, honor society and public speaking. Friends said he also loved baseball and dreamed of being a pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies.

okay ewww..gag me with a spoon (as my mom says)
Alright here's another little blurb that disturbs me:

A dissenting opinion in Planned Parenthood v. Casey, 947 F.2d 682 (3d Cir. 1991), arguing that a Pennsylvania law that required women seeking abortions to inform their husbands should have been upheld. As Judge Alito reasoned:

[t]he Pennsylvania legislature could have rationally believed that some married women are initially inclined to obtain an abortion without their husbands' knowledge because of perceived problems such as economic constraints, future plans, or the husbands' previously expressed opposition that may be obviated by discussion prior to the abortion." He added some exceptions: "These exceptions apply if a woman certifies that she has not notified her husband because she believes [FN4] that (1) he is not the father of the child, (2) he cannot be found after diligent effort, (3) the pregnancy is the result of a spousal sexual assault that has been reported to the authorities, or (4) she has reason to believe that notification is likely to result in the infliction of bodily injury upon her."

Rehnquist's dissent from the Supreme Court's 5-4 decision striking down the spousal notification provision of the law quoted Judge Alito's dissent and expressed support for his reasoning.

Are you kidding me? EKKK!

Oh and check this one out:

In a dissent to Doe v. Groody, Alito argued that qualified immunity should have protected police officers from a finding of having violated constitutional rights when they strip-searched a mother and her ten-year-old daughter while carrying out a search warrant that authorized the search of a residence. The mother and daughter were not referred to in the warrant, although the affidavit with the warrant allowed police to "search all occupants of the residence and their belongings".

Lovely.

Anyway, I have not really offered much of my own political views since I started this blog, but I just have to express my opposition to Alito serving as assosiate justice.

((takes a sip of water))

Big Bird

2005-11-01T11:36:00.000-08:00

I got this from approximating a life..best quiz ever..

Big Bird

You scored 68% Organization, 66% abstract, and 49% extroverted!

This test measured 3 variables.

First, this test measured how organized you are. Some muppets like Cookie Monster make big messes, while others like Bert are quite anal about things being clean.

Second, this test measured if you prefer a concrete or an abstract viewpoint. For the purposes of this test, concrete people are considered to gravitate more to mathematical and logical approaches, whereas abstract people are more the dreamers and artistic type.

Third, this test measured if you are more of an introvert or an extrovert.
By definition, an introvert concentrates more on herself and an
extrovert focuses more on others. In this test an introvert was
somebody that either tends to spend more time alone or thinks more
about herself.

You are very organized, more abstract, and both introverted and extroverted.

Here is why are you Big Bird.

You are both very organized. You almost always
know where your belongings are and you prefer things neat. You may even
enjoy cleaning and find it therapeutic. Big Bird is never sloppy and
always under control... pretty good for a 6 year old bird living
without a family.

You both are abstract thinkers. Big Bird is a dreamer who always
wonders what the world is like. You definitely are not afraid to take
chances in life. You only live once. You may notice others around you
playing it safe, but you are more concerned with not compromising your
desires, and getting everything you can out of life. This is a very
romantic approach to life, but hopefully you are also grounded enough
to get by.

You are both somewhat extroverted. Like Big Bird, you probably like to
have some time to yourself, but you do appreciate spending time with
your friends, and you aren't scared of social situations. Big Bird is
always very comfortable around others, but he often prefers the quiet
low-key presence that Snuffleupagus provides.

The other possible characters are

Oscar the Grouch

Bert

Snuffleupagus

Ernie

Elmo

Kermit the Frog

Grover

Cookie Monster

Guy Smiley

The Count

If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also if you
want to tell me your favorite Sesame Street character, I can total them
up and post them here. Perhaps your choice will win!

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 78% on Organization
You scored higher than 84% on concrete-abstra
You scored higher than 26% on intro-extrovert

Link: The Your SESAME STREET Persona Test written by greencowsgomoo on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

What I haven't done, Week 2

2005-10-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

Week 2's goal? Working on my Peace Corp app. So I can take over, I mean..save the world.

I did at least look at and admire my application. It is an on-line app.
I made a small start on the 10-year job history section. The Peace Corps wants you to tell them exactly what you have done for the past 10 years as well as compensate for any not working/not schooling time. Wow. Part of me wants to refer to that 6 months living in the half-way house as "volunteer work with recovering addicts and alcoholics." Which is only sort of dishonest. The app. itself is so cumbersome. Even your personal and work references actually need to type up some sort of (also cumbersome) report on you and then e-mail it to the site. Luckily, a super awesome lady agreed to spend her free time doing my very first one.

Remember Week 1? I haven't forgotten my little art project. I am waiting for pay day so I can go to Pearl (greatest art supply store ever) and get some ribbon, paint and wire to finish off the series and make it hangable.

On this whole creative tip, I started another project. I recently got a digital camera for my birthday. I love it. I take it everywhere. Anyway, everyday when I walk home from work, I have to walk over this bridge. The bridge has tremendously intricate graffiti and art pasted on the side. I took pictures all the way home yesterday. As soon as I move into my new pad and my internet is in order again, I am going to start a photo blog so you guys don't get bored. I also promised my grandparents that I would post a picture of myself in this fantastic tribal-like beaded outfit, an artifact (probably belongs in a museum), that my gran passed on to me.

Anyway, here is an old fashioned postmodern link:
Liquid Sculpture

Week 2, Saving the world!

2005-10-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

Last week I sought to have a visit with my creative side:

The re-cap: I made a lot of movement on those wood blocks I told you guys about. As of now there are three small blocks with drawings from a brochure of Harper's Ferry during the civil war modge podged like crazy to them (Julie was triggered last week by the modge podge flash back and had this idea of doing a craft party like back in the 70's...Jul I would be so into that!)

Anyway, I think I am going to arrange the blocks vertically and hang them together by a wire. My fiance suggested we put them in our bathroom or some where in our new place when they are done. (I am moving in with the fiance btw)...well when they are done, I will post a picture.

So, in keeping with my new blog theme did this help improve myself or the world in anyway?

Well, I really enjoy creative projects. Now that I have been working full-time for half a year, I have felt pretty removed from my film school funk days. I miss story boarding, making props and taking electives like ceramics or photography. So, I think that working on a little project like this is was a great way to revive that part of myself again. Although, it was as simple as buying a paint brush from the dollar store and digging up that modge podge..it did the trick. Of course the part of me that loathes the idea of staying in a non-artsy fartsy job just craved getting out every time I thought about those blocks. So I guess, yes, this did help nurture my soul, so to speak! As for the world...

This week I will be seeking to do something positive for the world at large (so dramatic) by attempting to do some more work on my peace corps application.

This will bring me closer to being prepared for my application in Feburary (my fiance and I were told to wait to apply until then to get the timing right for when we would be prepared to leave for our "host country") Anyway, it is time to get back to that application so I can do my part in contributing to the improvement of this world we call home. I'll keep every one posted!!

Postmodernism is dead

2005-10-20T13:42:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I am just over it. Plus I needed a new look-like everyone else! So, I decided that I need a whole new agenda as well. I also decided that when I get bored I am going to attempt to redo the whole theme and feel of my blog. Inconsistency is more interesting anyway.

This is the new plan:

Every week I will seek to improve myself or the world in some way. It may be a tiny/ silly way or it may be a long term plan for personal change, or I may even fail to do much other then smile more at people I pass by on the street. I guess it is a personal experiment and way to motivate change within myself.

I will write about the plan and then the following week re-cap and seek another new do good (kind of) goal.

This week I will seek to improve myself by developing my creativity and by re-opening my playful curious side.

It will be a short week. But I kind of already started last night by beginning a small craft project:

I have had these (3 inch by 3 inch 1 centimeter thick) wood block cut outs for about 3 years.
I have six of them.
3 of them are shaped like squares and three like hearts. I bought them at a craft store thinking they would make for a really great base for mini-pictures or paintings or something and hoped they would become a series of miniature portraits.

So, I found these blocks last night and then went perusing around some papers I saved. I found this funny brochure/timeline of the history of Harper's Ferry, from a little tourist welcome center I went to while I was there. The timeline includes a small glossy sketch picture of Harper's Ferry as it looked years ago, during the civil war. I knew this image would look cool on one of my wood blocks. I think each block will be some image from a place I have been. This being the first of the series. I am going to use a glue called Modge Podge and layer it on the Harper's Ferry image until I have a thick coat. Then I will cut out the image so it fits on the block. That is about as far as I have gotten in terms of what the first block will look like. Anyway, that is how I am seeking creativity so far this week!

Let me know your thoughts
Oh and if you were one of my links before and you are not now, I need you to comment so I can get your link again.

under construction

2005-10-14T14:02:00.000-07:00

hang on i am planning an overhaul...

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-10-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

New Version

Postmodern Birthday

2005-10-02T17:00:00.000-07:00

Some things that happened on October 2nd:
History Channel Version
Baseball Library
Mathematicians
The Library of Congress
African American History
Weather
Famous People
Wikipedia (my fav)

a little self absorbed but fun

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-09-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

This took a while to get a hang of but is worth the time.
Fly, Fly 2

The Pomo Child

2005-09-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

The Mad Chef lead me to my sensitive little inner pomo child.

(Thanks to everyone for the poetry support, I am back on the blog wagon with more to come)

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul.
You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.
Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.
You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

And a long pomo childern rant:

found the article below here:
then I wrote between it's lines...

The post-modern child

Children growing up in the post-modern family have been called post-modern children. Parents in the post-modern family may relinquish their roles as educators (Shorter 1975). For many post-modern children there is dual socialization by family and day-care provider. For example, in the Nordic welfare states, the family has been described as an intimacy sanctuary and a zone of stability while daycare centres develop the child's capacity to exercise self-control with respect to affective behavior. The post-modern child is required to make continuous flexible adjustments between these spheres (Denick 1989).

I agree that there is "dual socialization" taking place more commonly these days but is it significantly different then having a nanny, niebor, parent # 2, au pere etc share child care responsibilities? Is this really a post-modern characteristic or just simply a cultural habit formed by an over worked generation.

With child care shared between family and day care, new problems have arisen. While some children thrive on dual socialization, others languish, unable to adjust to either environment or to the demands of daily transition from one environment to the other. The young child may be unable to form the necessary communication link between the two environments. Responsibilities may not be divided clearly between home and day-care centre; as a result, neither may provide some crucial aspects of child-rearing. For example, in the United States, neither the day-care centre nor working parents may perceive themselves in charge of helping the child to develop the capacity to exercise self-control nor of teaching the child basic social comportment, such as table manners, greeting rituals, narration of daily events, and interview skills required for social orientation and reconnaissance.

Agree, but I feel that American society as a whole has become less interested in table manners, greeting rituals and interview skillz as he puts it.

In the United States, concerns have been expressed about children raised in impoverished single-parent households by young mothers who are still children themselves. According to Elkind (1981), there also are problems with post-modern children of middle-class families as permeable families "hurry" their children to take on the physical, social, and psychological trappings of adulthood before they are prepared to deal with them. Permeable families tend to thrust children and teenagers forward to deal with realities of the outside world at ever-earlier ages, perceiving them as competent to deal with the steady diet of overt violence, sexuality, substance abuse, and environmental degradation that they view on television. Such abuses in the United States and Europe often translate into worse abuses in poor neighbourhoods of large third world cities, where unsupervised children of all ages are lured, together with adults, into watching sexually explicit "adult videos" for the equivalent of a few pennies (Dr. Tade Akin Aina 1992, personal communication). Countries such as the United States, as well as places in the developing world that have departed most widely from institutional family values, appear to be particularly vulnerable to such abuses in the post-modern era. Both Elkind (1981) and Spock and Rothenberg (1992) deplore the tendency of parents to rush children into adult roles.

Is this what he means??

Although parents remain very concerned about their children in the postmodern world, perceptions of parenting have changed. In the modern era, parenting was intuitive and child-health professionals guided parents by teaching them the general norms of development. The focus of parent education was development of the whole child. In contrast, parenting in the post-modern world is perceived as a learned technique with specific strategies for dealing with particular issues. The target has shifted from the whole child to developing the child's positive sense of self-esteem. In the modern era, parents made the effort to fit advice to the particular needs of the child; Elkind (1992) points out that the directive post-modern techniques may be easier for parents but the child may be deprived of customized treatment. Moreover, he strongly believes that the focus on the whole child should not be lost.

Parents, your thoughts?

Certainly, the nuclear family was not perfect. In its attempts to explain the turbulence of the 1960s, the recent PBS documentary "Making Sense of the Sixties" powerfully indicted the stifling, conventional, and rigid nature of the nuclear family of the 1950s. The revolution that led to post-modern life corrected old imbalances in society through de-differentiation of parental and gender roles. Yet these radical social changes may have created new imbalances by increasing demands on children and adolescents.

Ok, so that was more boring then I expected but it was all I could find on post-modern childern.

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-09-28T11:54:00.000-07:00

Wow, a truly eloquent postmodernist.

(something to break up my bad poetry)

post nostalgia

2005-09-28T10:35:00.000-07:00

watching Hair sandwiched in between soft pillows,
the park, cruising to the Wailers and that pungent smell

swarthy boys in the hood, heads cocked, wondering
what is she doing here?

melting in the back of the room, desks reeking of metal,
sleeping to the French cassette tape
spitting out "je parle francais" like a broken record

listening to No Cure For Cancer in the van,
clueless about Rwanda and Dahmer's death

the boys in the lot at school, skipping class to hear
the O.J. verdict and Jackie, the security guard, laughing

Mr. Redican signs the year book "the walrus",
madrugata eterna alias born and time ceases to exist
with out Pink Floyd

Postmodern League

2005-09-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

Seriously, this is my new fix and the reason I am avoiding blogosphere..I am not really fashion savvy but it all started when I felt left out of the world of fantasy football leagues.
Also a neat way to donate to the American Red Cross.

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-08-31T07:21:00.000-07:00

Fly, Fly
A friend, J. turned me on to this... I think it may be the Link of the year!

My "Fiance"

2005-08-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

Can anyone tell I am really losing some blog steam here? I am still an avid reader though, I adore all your blogs!
I was ready to can the whole blog thing when the most amazing thing happened, the kind of thing you want to tell the world about, or even just the 5 people that read your blog and know already.
I became engaged Saturday, August 20th!

The past week has been beyond exciting. I feel extremely spiritual in the sense that a relationship like the one I have and the beautiful marriage I have to look forward to were seemingly impossible in the dismal existence 4 years (and some change) ago.

Over 4 years ago I could not care for another human being. I did not even take the time to have solid relationships with my family. I'll spare everyone the dramatic details of my unsuccessful romantic relationships. I was very much a mooch, a leech, and incapable of relating to those in my life.

How far things have come...
Although I have continued to battle the resin left by my former life in the past few years, I am amazed by the change that has come about and the undeserved gifts I have been granted.

Sarah, Cecily and Julie all gave me the most wonderful hugs and of course praise of my newly adorned ring last week. I can not express how moments like that feel. I didn't once get the "Are you crazy? look"

So my thoughts on engagement, relationships and men boil down to this:
When you know, you know. (profound huh?)

For the past two years I have struggled to learn how to meet a romantic ideal. I have tried to do the right things and accept that people fall short and that I fall short in so many areas when it comes to matters of the heart. I have been as honest as possible. I have lied. I have sought advice from others. I have been scoffed at and scorned. I have been praised and admired. I have done everything right and everything wrong.

Since I began dating my now fiance, I have felt no struggle and there has been no trying. Things just come naturally. It feels as if we have been together for years and in the honeymoon phase all at once.
I recognize that we will see our fair share of trials and tribulations, but I look forward to the challenge. I know I am loved and I know my love is trusted and received. Things just feel beginningless, as if they always were. Oh and I feel beautiful in sweatpants and with a few extra pounds.

I was at a recovery group meeting last night and one of the members told me it seems like I have just done everything right in terms of recovery. Ugh. This scared the crap out of me as I knew it is not the case...She then amended what she said: "Well, I mean, not always, But you have done everything you needed to do." That made sense. Although often painful, especially with men and relationships, I absolutly did what I needed to do to get where I am. I would not have it any other way.

Pomo Fashion Show

2005-08-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

Salvador recently said to Samantha that he could envision her pulling off funky styled attire, or something to that effect. Samantha got that distant look in her eyes and recalled a time when she wore giantic pants and face stickers while dancing ten hours strait (bleeding toes) at raves.
She really did.

So, I have been thinking about postmodernism and fashion and during my internet perusing have become obsessed with the Gothic-Lolita Japanese styled clothing sub culture popularized in the States by Gwen Stefani.

Anyway, I wonder how odd it would seem if I just spontaneously began showing up to things in this new style, something has to save me from my "little know job" as the poster child for this.

Anyway Some Examples:

The mini and regular head dressings adorned by teens all over Asia are sublime:

LoliGoth is said to be a reaction to the Kogal and Ganguro trends. These are kind of a scary themed look but none-the-less post-modern. I favor the gothy rivals.

Some creepy Kogals

Not to be confused with the more extreme Ganguro...

...funny, the look I am trying to escape from

Postmodern flight

2005-08-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

I am away for the week.
Thanks for the great comments and I'll be back posting again soon!
Rich- I will get into those JC novels asap!
Al- Your the best: All hail Eros!

I was postmodern before I knew it

2005-08-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite novels in my teens was The Illuminatus Trilogy. I have spent the last decade trying and failing to turn people on to this sort of bible of conspiracy theories and discordianism.

It just doesn't take.

However, I was thinking in relation to the nature of current events and the mass movement towards postmodern activity, the kind of humor in The Trilogy and other similar novels is very applicable to the here and now. Check it out.

Another fetish of mine as a teen included J.R. Bob Dobbs, who you may remember portrayed on one of the CDs of the band Sublime.

If your into this sort of stuff (which you probably have either grown out of or will never be interested in) listen the Album, Chill Out by the KLF and pay attention to the lyrics.

True Story:
I once referred to myself as Madrugata Eterna, the Goddess of Pork and Beans while slipping Illuminatus related pamphlets into the car windshield of the disciplinarian at my high school.

fnord.

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-08-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

Will the real search engine please stand up? ...For the postmodern search!

Sound Bites

2005-07-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

So, I have been thinking about the nature of gossip:

It is clear there is some sort of inclination for most humans to discuss the lives of others with a sort of slant, which results in the popular understanding of the word gossip.

Recently in personal discussions in my life I have struggled with having discussion which "counts" as gossip and conversation that is productive and insightful (yet kind of includes personal anecdotes about the lives of others).
I am never quite clear about what my intentions are during these discussions. I know that usually I am just making comparisons to the intimate lives of others and myself. I am trying to work through social fear and paralyzing social phobia.

I recently outted these thoughts to a friend and she asked me if I had ever heard of Loshon Hora (evil speech). She suggested I visit this website about a Rabbi who really raised concerns about the damaging effects of gossip, evil speech...What ever you would like to call it. I have since posted the Ten Rules of Loshon Hora in my office and have tried to be as aware about the way I speak of others as possible.

What I have found in observation of myself and others is that it is extremely difficult to make it through a whole day without discussing the people I know in some form.
I am feeling as if there is a natural dependence to relate the stories of others.
Your thoughts?

In other soundbytal type think here are some small bleeps of thoughts that have crossed my mind;
Post-Modernism and research
Having dreams about celebrities
Marathon training
and Ice cream

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-07-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

Found by visiting The Mad Chef and investigating my past lives...The Big View

The forever unfolding story in order

2005-07-21T06:50:00.000-07:00

Magical Mystery Tour
Magical Mystery Tour 2
Sal and Sam
Samantha
Sal

Sal

2005-07-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

The silence of the night was broken suddenly as Sal slide through the doorway of the cabin and back out into the night. As Sal approached the car he paused for a second as if at some kind of crossroad in his mind, then he climbed back into the car consumed with this overwhelming feeling that things were going to work out, that for the first time in his life, everything was ok.

Sal was fascinated with this woman that agreed to join him on nothing more than a whim. More than anything he realized how lonely the road had been over the last few months and how good it would feel to be lying next to Sam at this very moment. For now he turned his attention to the unlite Camel in his mouth and the opened atlas of the US in the console of the Buick. Sal then handed Sam the atlas and said "Baby, pick a town for us to lay low in for awhile."

Sam took the atlas in her hand and pulled Sal close to her and kissed him on his lips softly and whispered to him "Baby, I know the perfect place."

His heart exploded in his chest. He had not felt anything like this in...well never. To this point in Sal's life nothing seemed certain, and then without any warning everything seemed so clear.

Through the night they drove until they reached their sleepy West Virginia town. The mission now was to find a hotel room. They pulled into a roadside motel and as Sal was getting out of the car to check for vacancies Sam pulled him back in and...

anti-postmodern sound bites

2005-07-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

I am feeling the need to just write today. I have been doing tons of blog reading and I realize that although the theme blogs are amusing and clicking on links that other people like is good clean entertainment; it is not what is endearing about blogging. Personal reflection is so much more engaging. I am going to try to get into that groove for a little:

I finally began my Peace Corps application. My goal is to complete it by the end of August. Besides my desire to be in service in another country, I am beginning to feel a little antsy to experience something outside of my city, my daily grind, the usual faces and the usual schedule.

Since I became sober in November of 2000, I've spent the last couple years redefining everything that I have known. My primary focus has been self-improvement and "becoming a productive member of society". I've learned to live according to spiritual principles and then unlearned and rearranged the meaning of those principals. In the words of Parliament and the Funkadelics I've "Programmed, De-Programmed and Re-programmed" a thousand times over. This isn't to say I have not had perhaps the most enlightening, creative and joyful years of my life. I guess I am just feeling the need for some serious sensory adjustments. I crave the unfamiliar.

The past month or so I have had no clue if I still desire to work in film. I am not clear on if I feel like going back for a Grad degree is something I want or something I think I should do. I am not sure if I am selfless or doing what I think I should be doing to fill a self-centered desire. I am clueless about where I want to live or what I want to do. I guess all typical uncertainties for a recent graduate who just began work "in the real world."

I guess what is even more significant then all my current ambiguity is that which I am suddenly certain about. I know now that I want to be married soon. I know I'd like to have children when I return from the Peace Corps (if I am accepted). I know I should make some serious changes in my relationships. Mostly, that I want to be better at nurturing my fun, loving and healthy friendships and that I want to eliminate those that are not. I'd like to meet some new and different people. I don't want to gossip.
I am growing up.

It is funny that I am probably the happiest, most confident and most peaceful I have ever been. I still want more.

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-07-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

I had The Phylotopian in mind for this one: The Royal Jam.

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-07-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

Looking good on that dance floor Paul

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-07-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

All your base are belong to us

I did it

2005-07-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's the latest survey going around. . .

10 years ago: I was 15 years old. I dropped acid for the first time. I went to acting classes in the summer. Hung out every day with my friends and partied.

5 years ago: Took a tour of Europe. Had pretty severe drug habit. Was rapidly advancing in a full time boosting career. Was about to change my entire life.

1 year ago: Finishing up undergrad in Temple's Film Program. Went vacationing with my family. Spending lots of time working hard.

Yesterday: Went to my job in Research (epidemology and biostat). Got a manicure and pedicure after work. Worked on my documentary. Had great phone chat with J. Had another great phone chat will Sal. Fell asleep, happy to be alive.

Today: Work again. Documentary crew meeting tonight. Then hopefully some cuddling with my man.

Tomorrow: Guess What? Work again. Then Phillies game with fire works!!

5 snacks I enjoy: Wheat Thins (tomato basil), No sugar added fugsicles,Low fat laughing cow cheese, Nicorette, Cashews

5 bands that I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs: Pink Floyd, The Shins, Steely Dan, The Beatles, Lyle Lovett and His Large Band

5 things I would do with $100,000,000: Buy a house. Buy a (in mint condition) '79 Celica Supra. Film my screenplay. Give money to my family. Travel.

5 locations I'd like to run away to: Nepal, Bali, Italy, Israel, AT

5 bad habits I have: Evaluating others(outloud and in my head), Chewing (and biting my lip, Playing on computer and not working, Sneaking into McDonalds and binging, Setting 5 alarms for the morning wake up

5 things I like doing: Wax'in philosophical, Charity runs, Hanging out with my family, Stretching, Service to others

5 things I would never wear: Blush, Leotards, Florals, Fake breasts, Full piece denim outfit

5 TV shows I like: Six Feet Under, Remember the 60's,70's 80's and/or 90's...drawing a blank

5 movies I like: Clock Work Orange, O' brother Where art thou?, Before Sunrise, After Sunrise, Dark Crystal

5 famous people I'd like to meet: Adrian Brody, Gandhi(dead), Sub-Commandent Marcos, MLK (dead), David Foster Wallace

5 biggest joys at the moment: Salvador, Long conversations (very late at night), My little brother, Time with the family, Thinking about the Peace Corps

5 favorite toys: Apple G4, Ipod, Cell phone, Infinite Jest (book), Salvador

5 people to tag: I won't do this to you, but if your into it that would be cool.

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-07-06T12:55:00.000-07:00

falling.

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-07-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

another brick in the wall

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-06-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

This could be our future.

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-06-27T11:30:00.000-07:00

This one comes from my mother. The Lucky Ones is incredibly cool. You can skip the preview and go directly to each little story. You'll see what I mean, Check it out.

Samantha

2005-06-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

Jake sat on the rustic porch and appeared just as an old hound would sitting proud in front of the picturesque cabin. He gave little attention to his owner as Salvador disappeared inside. He did seem however to be peering right into the Buick. This made Samantha a little uneasy. Samantha returned to perusing the radio stations which were beginning to be eaten by static as combinations of two or more stations became the norm. She settled on a mix of the "teachings of Jesus Christ" and George Clinton's Atomic Bomb. Moments like this amused Samantha to no end. She adjusted the seat slightly as to recline and contemplated the silence of the car ride so far. She had not spoken once to this stranger yet she felt an instant attraction. She chalked the attraction up to the conditioning of modern film and pornography. Stranger picks up young women = instant death or sex in the back seat. At this point she was not opposed to either but thought there may be potential for something more significant. She regressed to her lost naivete and flirted with the idea that this adventure was going to result in some sort of spiritual awakening. Perhaps her whole life was now finally arriving at an epic pinnacle of rebirth. The trailer, decorative in a nicotine stained curtain kind of way, could easily be gone forever. A child-like excitement grew from a deep buried place inside Samantha, a place where she had not ventured in far too long. She anticipated where the stranger was going to take them. Then she wanted a cigarette more then anything in the world. The gift was granted. She instinctively turned her head to the back seat and a pack of unopened camel lights called "yes we are here". She had not smoked in about two years. It only took thirty seconds for her to decide that it was okay to smoke now. She patiently waited for Salvador to return and kept her self busy by reorganizing the items in her purse.

(to be continued)

Sound Bites

2005-06-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

So, The epic romance of Sal and Samantha is on hold for today as the story decided it may just manifest itself in little blips in the way the "postmodern link of the day" does.

The past couple weeks that I have lapsed on my posting is going to result into a Sound Bites kind of day. Again, Sound Bites are just little thoughts that rush through my head that don't really have a home.

I have been thinking about the nature of hunger. There are so many ways in which I hunger these days. I have actual desire for food and water. This desire frames my day and more recently, all of my activities. That is, when I actually choose to eat in a structured sense.
The Live 8 show coming to Philly has me reflecting on the extreme terminal hunger and starvation that is one of the many benefits of third world living. This has further motivated me to keep reading my Peace Corps literature and get a move on that application.
I've also been thinking about that other kind of hunger. The passionate kind. The kind that urges me to move forward in life despite bad news and difficult times. The hunger for life. The way that I can taste a big achievement before it has even arrived. The way I anticipate the goose bumps of sadness when nothing sad has yet occurred. I truly hunger for the next day to arrive. It is nice to hunger in this way now. There was a time I hungered only for my next fix.

The other thing that I keep talking, hearing and OCDing over is that which will go unnamed. I don't know what exactly is going on with this particular recent "religion" but I find I am thinking two things.
I am totally petrified of it.
I can not get my head around the fact that how this all began was with a good old fashioned sci-fi novel.
I have read and re-read the claims of Operation Clam Bake, the website dedicated to outting the truth about that which will go unnamed. What I find utterly fascinating is those that will go unnamed claim to have found another mechanism for the relief of (hunger) drug addiction and alcoholism. What is going in there? A friend of mine pointed out that when it boils down to it the unnameds are not really that much different or scarier then these other unnameds. This is a good a point. However, something is still really unsettling about the whole thing.

Sal and Sam...

2005-06-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

...so the story continues with Sal and Sam rolling out on the highway heading south and into an uncertain but somehow strangely destined future.

Never before had Sal considered such a spontaneous move as to invite such a beautiful and exotic stranger into his crazy world so quickly, but he knew in his heart of hearts that from now on he would need a partner for the certain inevitabilities of his future. He also realized very quickly that this was no ordinary woman and that she too had the type of life that was motivating her to take a chance with him.

The immediate and unmistakable connection was born in silence. There was no need to explain the particulars of their reasons for leaving town with everything they had loaded into the Buick. Words seemed unnecessary at this point in their lives. All it took was the understanding that both of them knew that this was exactly what needed to be done and what they both wanted at this very moment.

They raced along the open road scrolling through the radio stations imagining what the other was thinking.

Sal needed to make one stop to square away some business before they could commence with the endless adventure ahead of them. They pulled off the highway and moved along a heavily wooded road where the drone of the endless precession of autos faded away and only the echoes of the night became quietly apparent.

Samantha meticulously manipulated her cell phone deleting her reminders of the reality she had just so recently walked away from. Her thoughts drifted back to the days of her youth when everything seemed possible and before life had begun molding the series of experiences she had and the decisions she made that got her to this point. She had always known that her destiny was in her spontaneity but just never imagined that this is the way that it would find her.

They slowly pulled down a long winding gravel driveway and finally came to a stop in front of a rustic old log cabin that time had forgotten about a long time ago. Sal informed Sam that she should wait in the car and that this would only take a few minutes.

Sal acknowledged Jake on the porch with a simple nod and then moved into the cabin...

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-06-10T11:47:00.000-07:00

BLUE MAN GROUP ROCKS!

Magical Mystery Tour will return

2005-06-10T07:30:00.000-07:00

The second installment of the story will be posted by another author in the not too distant future, in the meantime:

Read Chapter 20 of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and contemplate the meaning of the following sentence:

"Reality is always the moment of vision before the intellectualization takes place."

Magical Mystery Tour 2

2005-06-01T12:58:00.000-07:00

The sleepy town of Harper's Ferry is the best place to flee to without making any arrangements ahead of time.

For novelties sake, my companion and myself "sort of" took on other identities in order to add to the excitement of the unplanned adventure:

Samantha, a worn out but still (in that worn way) foxy waitress was waiting tables and living in a trailer home prior to being picked up outside a seedy diner.

Salvador drove a gigantic and spotless white Buick and was a sandy haired, stoic man with a dark past.

Salvador, on the run from some sort of unrevealed debauchery, picked up Samantha outside of the Vanpelt Eatery late on a Friday evening. Samantha was the type of girl that carried with her all of her earthly possessions. She was visibly tough and fragile at one glance. When Salvador parked in front of the eatery to throw his 45 into the protective enormity of the Buick's trunk, he had no idea where he was headed. He saw Samantha sitting on all of her belongings, her back facing the diner that was soon to be a distant memory and with the sharpness of a strait razor he told her to hop in.

Samantha had one of those moments that tough and fragile women have. Sick of her dead-end job and typical trailer trash dramatic life she assumed morbidly that there was no good reason not to "hop in". Worst case scenario she would put out of her misery in some sort of "insane stranger picks up poor helpless women" kind of way.

Salvador, like most of the decisions he made, could not belief what he was doing. His character was such that he could make rash decisions calmly. He didn't know where to take her or what the point to it all was, but he rationalized that he had nothing to lose by gaining some company.

Sal opened the passenger side door and had returned to the driver side before Sam had finished contemplating whether to go or not. She took a long hard look at the gorgeous stranger and got in to enjoy the ride.

(to be continued)

Postmodern Link of The Day

2005-05-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

My friend and I leave each other phone messages in the middle of the night that are the songs found by clicking on the "Link of the Day" above.

Magical Mystery Tour

2005-05-26T16:44:00.000-07:00

This Memorial Day weekend, I am doing one of those things I talked about when I was 15 and had not yet had the honor of being allowed to drive off to where ever I wanted when ever I wanted. Oddly an honor I still haven't really been granted yet.

Anyway, I used to talk about picking a town on the map randomly and just making a road trip out of going to the town. No plans, no reservations, no expectations of vacation or gaining insight...Just going.

It's an adult version of the back yard adventure. Kind of attempting to dig a hole to china right before dinner-Or in this case, before the work week starts again.

The town is Harper's Ferry. I have done very little reseacrh on the town, but I did pass through via the AP once. I am bringing camping gear, in case the mood strikes and weather permits.
I am off on Friday evening and will return???

Just kidding, I'll be back by 9:00 AM Tuesday morning in time to "act like I am working."

More to come.

Comment Responses To "Sound Bites"

2005-05-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

Cuz Susie-
I think The Gift can be ordered from TLA. If not I'd try ebay. It is rare.

Blind Bird-
Of course souls hang out in funeral homes, they want to see what will be said about them

Sarah-
I like your funeral ideal

Anon-
I feel like I am in service here in Philadelphia in terms of volunteer related work, I'd like to learn another language and expand my understanding of third world living as well as understand life outside of the US. There are many reasons I want to join the Peace Core.

Rob- I have a lot to say about home funerals. I don't think they run counter to the separation (psychologically) between life and death. I believe the experience of having a dead body of your loved one in your home allows one to really understand that their loved one is dead. In home funerals the deceased is usually kept in the home in a bed or other favorite place until every family member feels they have made their peace with the person. Then the body is buried by the family. Because we use funeral services and coffins and all these other devices typically in America, I think that sometimes avoiding the true nature of death is actually encouraged. Especially having a body sent away to the funeral home to not ever again be viewed or only viewed during a religious ceremony or in a casket. I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on this as well.

Jennsee-
Ever had a fish funeral?

I got "tagged" for this game

2005-05-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Sarah.
Although it did give me something to write about:

3 names I go by:
Em, Emmy, and any lovely ones I don't know about

Screen-names I've had:
Oyster776 & glrcregional

3 physical things I like about myself:
My collar bone, My eyelashes, My painted toe nails

3 physical things I dislike about myself:
My belly, My butterfly tattoo and um my belly again.

3 parts of my heritage:
Hungarian (somewhere in there)-English-I think some Russian too

3 things I am wearing right now:
Stardust, Moccasins, Dignity

3 favorite bands / musical artists:
Steely Dan, Stevie Wonder, Ollabelle

3 favorite songs:
(For me this is only today's favorite song picks)
Sign In Stranger (Steely dan)
This may be the last time(Blind Boys of Alabama)
Held Down (De La Soul and Cee-Lo)

3 things I want in a relationship:
Endless conversation, The feeling of "just knowing", Honor

3 physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to me:
Large beautiful eyes, A little bit o' muscle, Head held high

3 of my favorite hobbies:
Film editing, Reading Infinite Jest, Doing the "The Artist's Way"

3 things I want to do really badly right now:
Leave my job, flea to another country, take a nap

3 things that scare me:
Myself, My "feelings", Vanity

3 of my everyday essentials:
Stretching, Nicorette, Talking to my parents

3 careers you have considered or are considering:
Filmmaking, Writing novels, Full-time research subject

3 places you want to go on vacation:
Nepal, anywhere in Asia actually, The Holy Land (any holy land)

3 kids' names you like:
Aja, Travis, Hunter

3 things you want to do before you die:
Make a feature film, Write a book, Become enlightened

3 ways I am stereotypically a boy:
I am super layed back, I love gorgeous women, I am competitive at times

3 ways I am stereotypically a chick:
When I ride the crimson tide I cry, I saw "awwww" when I see something cute, I prefer chivalry

3 celeb crushes:
Adrian Brody, Vince Vaughn, George Clooney

3 people to play next:

If they read this and are up to the challenge:
Mad Chef
Rob
Blind Bird

Sound Bites

2005-05-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

I have really, obviously, been horrendous about my blogging these days.
A variety of things have popped into my mind worthy of discussion but they seem so fleeting. When I get ready to write about them later I usually determine they are too trivial to blog about.
Thus, to resolve my fears about trivial thoughts I am going to try something different.
The following are manifestations of brief contemplations that have entered my mind recently. Basically, these are my minds own sound bites:

I took a class called Death and Dying at Temple University a year or so ago for a few elective credits. The class has proved to one of my most valuable learning experiences ever. I learned about everything from cadaver basics to grief patterns. One class day was devoted to the practice of home funerals. Part of the class was spent viewing a documentary that invited the viewers to attend a actual private home funeral that took place over several days. I was both disturbed and extremely touched at the same time. The sound bite in head my says, Would I prefer this to any other kind of formal "end of my life" service?

The home funeral pondering reminded me of a low-budget film made by singer Perry Farrell from Janes' Addiction in 1993. Gift, was a short film about a sudo-home funeral that Farrell has for his dead wife upon finding her heroin overdosed corpse in their home. The short is compelling and eerie. However, my favorite scene of the film has nothing to do with the home funeral practice, but instead with a Santeria based tribal wedding. There is this fabulous imagery of Perry and his wife Casey being wed. They are on a beach-arms length apart from one another side by side. Their backs face the ocean and their wrists are some how bound together. Some sort of spiritual leader traces the outlines of the couples "connected" bodies with an egg. The marriage is complete. This screen moment keeps flashing into my head every time I think of marriage. The sound bite is: Perhaps I will sneak away with my lover before our "Americanized" marriage and be secretly wed first with eggs, sticks, tribal sweat and nature as our true blessing from above.

I've mentioned before in my blog about my desire to join the Peace Corps. Of the many random thoughts that linger and mosy in my head, The Peace Corp plan has become an obsessive thought and more and more real. The sound bite is: What business do I have ignoring the needy?

There it is, the first of my new series to help refuel the creative fire within.

Noriko Genji

2005-05-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

Another great gem from I am following my fish:

Your Japanese Name Is...

Noriko Genji

What's your Japanese Name?

The Official Interview Game

2005-05-02T16:13:00.000-07:00

My questions came from Sarah!

1. Who do you think knows you better than anyone else?

The first person who knew me better then anyone else was my Intensive Outpatient Counselor, Drew. I knew this was the case when I said to him "Drew, I am just not ready to get sober." He replied 'Emily, when is anyone ever ready to get sober?"
He would have had to know me better then anyone to provide me with the only thing I ever heard that motivated me to change my life.

The second person being my current therapist, Denise. I know this because when I express any fear to her, she replies "so basically you afraid of not being perfect?"

2. What pop-culture icon did you pine after in your room late at night as a pre-teen girl? Did you have a poster?

Hmmmm. I really wasn't a big piner in that way. I did love my Bob Marley poster and I always thought he was gorgeous.

3. What is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you?

My little brother said the nicest thing to me I had ever heard. We were at a Steely Dan concert, standing in the back, surveying the crowd. He said; "You are at your favorite concert, with your family, your doing film work, your sober and your whole life has worked out, isn't that awesome?"

Another thing that comes to mind that was said in the most perfect way by someone I totally looked up to was; "Emily, I am so crazy about you"
Who doesn't love to hear that?
I guess it's not so much what was said, but how it was said.

4. How did you know?

I thought I once did know. Now I realize I never will. I am ok with that.

5. When you think of the word "artist", who is the first artist that comes to mind?

This would probably change on any given day but today it is a group of several artists in the greatest visual installation show I ever saw called Moving Pictures at the Guggenheim museum in New York. When I saw this show I finally new what I meant when I called myself an "artist".

The Official Interview Game Rules

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."

2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.

3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

What I wrote

2005-04-27T17:32:00.000-07:00

I am in the process of moving and during my mad and obsessive packing spree last night I stumbled upon a bunch of journals. I read for awhile, pausing in the land of super ego. Then I found a lone page that did not seem to belong to any journal. I don't remember writing this page but it is clearly my writing. I think I must have thought I was pretty cool.

Jan 20 2000
My gallant love, absorb me.
Saturate in my fantasies.
This metropolis I create for us to live and play in, will not exist without your belief.
We can rearrange the streets and stores. Delete the ground or sky.
Abolish speech. Do away with grief and sorrow.
Perhaps, no city at all.
How about a mountainous labyrinth?
Children will be the most respected deities. War will be a color, not a concept.
If signs existed they would display phrases like "The world is your oyster."
You and I will be monks.
Addiction will be just another word for limitation. Nothing and everything will be acknowledged as one in the same.
Come with me, my king, my love.
Saturate in my dreams
* * * (the little star breaks were actually drawn on the page)

I often ask myself, as that's the only one who will listen; How is it that thought is contained between the the parameters of what is called the brain? Confined in a thought prison designed by it's own fearful and limiting creators. This prison, often called sanity, is chaining the mind perpetually.
* * *

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-04-26T16:45:00.000-07:00

Gizoogle

So you can put any web page in here and gizoogle it for some snoopalicious fun!

Ma Gizoogle

Chicken Liver, Passover and Praise 103.9

2005-04-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

I have really found it difficult to post recently. This blog has been a nagging "to do list" item in the back no man's land of my mind. Which as you can see in my last post has been causing me difficulties anyway. However, I was inspired by this past Passover weekend.

Since I am one of those Jews that makes defining Judaism a major issue for college professors around the world, I'll save my description of the actual traditional Seder and why it isn't really a religious event if your not a religious Jew.

I will say this though:

This years gathering was one of the most memorable I've attended. Both of my parents choose this year to instruct me on the necessary food preparation, so that I could perform the Seder in the future.

Part of preparation included my dad and I grinding chicken livers in the old fashioned grinders that latch on top of a table and need to be hand cranked. I, of course, can not reveal more or that would give away the secret to the best chopped liver recipe ever. But, I have to say hand cranking chicken liver with my dad for hours was the perfect activity for me the Friday before Passover.

There is so much joy in just showing up for my family.

Later my mother showed me how to make haroset, a classic Passover treat. Also, the best of all time with it's own secret additions. Plus- staying up extra late and giggling.

The kicker is that my Dad turned me on to Praise 103.9, the new (all gospel, all the time) radio station in town. If you have followed my blog you know that I feel most grounded and spritual listening to gospel tunes.

So picture this:
Sudo-Jews cooking for our Seder meal, listening to Baptist style praise music and talking about all of our Seder meals past.

Fantastic.

The next day was full of family and guests, reading the Haggadah, and a bit of tasteful mockery.

I've left the weekend feeling extra connected to those I love, a far cry from the years spent missing Holidays for a trip down to the cop man.

Reprimand the brain, a poem

2005-04-15T15:27:00.000-07:00

Mind you?

yes I mind Cerebrum, that dopamine and serotonin don't play well with others.

of course it bothers me, Left Hemisphere, that you forget how to say thank you and keep a budget in order. You never really did learn how to write proper either. Thank gawd for calculators and spell check,

oh and don't think I have forgotten about you, Righty Hemi, for all those incredible ideas that go no where fast and that painting I never did and that road trip that ended in a wreck,

and gosh Parietal Lobe, have you forgotten how much foot blisters hurt? You sure forgot about the pleasures associated with the G-spot! And what is going on with my aching neck?

and Cerebellum, I don't even know what to say, you have been sleeping on my hand-eye coordination from the beginning, I still drop things when I get nervous and get vertigo on the bus,

and Spinal Cord, are you disconnected or what?

Whatever! I'll just blame it all on Temporal Lobe for making such a fuss.

My Tarot

2005-04-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

I Am

Which tarot card are you?

For lack of anything to write I turned to I am following my fish for inspitartion. I found this tarot creator. cool.

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-04-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

The Big Red Button

Fragmentation

2005-04-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

I found this:

Postmodernism: The following, Fragmentation, was found here
http://www.cultsock.ndirect.co.uk/MUHome/cshtml/index.html

Since the grand metanarratives no longer have validity, since there is a plurality of truths, writers on postmodernity frequently emphasize the fragmentation of modern culture. The grand narratives are replaced by local narratives. The distinction between 'high' and 'low' culture also disappears. The postmodern mood tends to value the local over the universal, and popular over élite culture or high art. Popular culture signs and media images are seen as increasingly dominating our sense of reality. There is no distinction between the simulations of the media and reality:

... the cultural dominance of the mass media is emphasized, where reality and identity is constructed for us by fleeting and illusory stories, whether in advertising, popular music or TV soap operas. So although the mass media shrinks our world because of its ability to transcend space, this gives us no more meaningful a purchase on 'reality' - it simply multiples the number, frequency and impermanence of the accounts of reality we consume. What we 'see' via the media inevitably constitutes a major source of our knowledge in a post-modern world - but what we see and know, and therefore are, is only here and now, and only until another story comes along.

Jones (1992)

The individual human subject (or self) is also seen as fragmented. The unified 'Cartesian self' is abandoned in favour of the decentred self. Seen from this perspective, the revivification of the Enlightenment project attempted by Jürgen Habermas is an impossibility. Habermas envisages the achievement of a consensus achieved by a dialogue between free, rational and equal actors. He is quite clear that 'everyday communication' (kommunikative Alltagspraxis) permits a form of mutual understanding based on claims to validity - and this conceived of as the only alternative to exerting influence on one another by more or less coercive means' (1983: 26) From the post-modernist point of view, these 'claims to validity' of the Enlightenment project would depend on some sort of conception of humanity as a universal subject, which is impossible since even the individual subject is irredeemably fragmented, decentred. Further, there can be no rules, not even rules as to what constitutes rational debate, which apply to all players in all games. Rules can only ever be local and temporary, the 'temporary contract' now so prevalent in industrial relations, which Lyotard sees as emblematic of all our other social relations. The dispute between Habermas and Lyotard is not, I think, merely a passing storm in an academic teacup. 'Incredulity towards metanarratives' has the potential to undermine the very basis of cultural studies. For Habermas the unmasking of metanarratives makes sense only if we preserve at least some sort of standard by which we can explain the corruption of all reasonable standards. Without such a standard, we cannot distinguish between theory and ideology, the clear and the masked. If what cultural studies is about is the rational critique of existing institutions, which is of course central to the Enlightenment project, then cultural studies either collapses or has to go off and be about something else, since there is no rational foundation left for the critique. Of course, this may be seen as a problem fundamental to the Enlightenment project. Seen as the relentless pursuit of the critical method, the Enlightenment project eventually runs into the problem that it attacks truth-claims from the standpoint of other truth-claims which (temporarily at least) are accepted as valid. Those truth-claims in their turn will, however, also be subject to criticism. So where do you look for a set of truth-claims which are immune from such attack, where do you find an 'objectively valid' position from which to practise your critique? Habermas places much emphasis on the natural sciences as an example of a coming to a consensus whose validity is not merely context-dependent. Lyotard, by contrast, sees 'modern' science as in fact typically 'postmodern':

Postmodern science by concerning itself with such things as undecidables, the limits of precise control, conflicts characterized by incomplete information, 'fracta', catastrophes, and pragmatic paradoxes is theorizing its own evolution as discontinuous, catastrophic, nonrectifiable and paradoxical.

Lyotard (1984) : 60

For Habermas this is typical of the irrationality which the postmoderns must necessarily give themselves over to. Their unprincipled pragmatism does not permit reasoned critique. Thus, in his view, the critical rationality which permits the cultural theorist to engage with power, ideology, institutions, social reality is simply abandoned in favour of mere passive conformism. Hence his labeling postmoderns 'neo-conservative'.

It's probably worth mentioning in passing, though, that Enlightenment rationalism has always been accompanied by irrationalism. There is a strongly relativist strain in Montesquieu, one of the founding fathers of the Enlightenment; the French Revolution, often seen conveniently as the starting point of the Enlightenment project, soon celebrated the existence of the Supreme Being; the Romantic movement was in many ways deeply anti-rationalist; surrealism, once the high point of modernism, was counter-rational - and so on. So maybe irrationalism is not so obviously scary.

The postmodernists' emphasis on fragmentation leads many to celebrate place and local identities. Diversity and decentralization are applauded as expressions of local autonomy, as are single-issue political movements such as protesters against a the construction of a local by-pass. Whilst there can be no doubt that there is now a wider range of choices, to the extent that it may appear legitimate to question whether we can speak of 'mass culture' or 'popular culture' in the singular at all, the celebration of diversity may simply overlook the underlying capitalist logic behind the fostering of diversity. Where capitalism once benefited from economies of scale, it now also benefits from 'economies of scope'. A wider range of choices means greater market segmentation and greater market segmentation means greater profit. In the same way as capitalism may be seen as having created market through producing fashion and planned obsolescence, so it may now be seen as creating the apparent diversity of post-modern particularism. localism and eclecticism, now that new modes of production make possible the exploitation of such markets.

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-04-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

I needed this today. I wanted to share
The Surrealist Compliment Generator

Synchronicity Part 3

2005-04-01T11:41:00.000-08:00

I recognize this post is way overdo. The responses to popstrology were so much fun. Jennsee is the only one that made it out with some dignity.

So, why Synchronicity Three? Why my persistence of this topic? Well, It has been a general theme unfolding since I began blogging two months ago, and it has slowly developed into a frame of mind for me that is extremely positive. I spend every week looking for those areas of my life that seem to indicate a level or two above the earthly realm and seem to more reflect the reality of the kind of energy, karma and spiritual flow of this universe.

I had two e-mails of appreciation arrive in my you've got mail box in the past two weeks.

One was from the one who guides me through my recovery process. For the first time ever I think someone used the word integrity to describe my character. She indicated she had just been thinking about me and then let me know what qualities she saw in me. So, thoughtful.

The second was from a friend thanking several people for being a part of his life. With another e-mail explaining specifically what I have done as a friend that was of value to him. Why don't we do this sort of thing more often?

I had my relationship with two people from across the country broaden and expand, also via e-mail.

The first person, A friend who is described at length several blogs ago. In brief he and I have lived similar lives of addiction over the past ten years with little contact. The last time we have seen each other was during 9th grade. Recently we re-connected via phone and E-mail after not talking for over five years or so. Today, both of us have put our lives back in order. We have connected frequently over the past few weeks in discussion about our life experience.

The second person, my closet girlfriend, whom I met in a halfway house in the darkest part of town four years ago, wrote me via e-mail after months of not having contact. She is another person of the recovery world who has struggled to maintain her ideal life. Being able to hear from her has revived my hope in surviving addiction despite all the odds.

I guess the real Synchronicity here is found in the mystery of human relationships. There is a thread beneath the surface the binds humans to one another. Does love flood in waves like bad luck? The beauty of those who have touched my life and the beauty of that process is on my mind. This week I would like to some how connect human relationships to postmodern theory. Idea's anyone?

Postmodern Link of the Day

2005-03-25T11:04:00.000-08:00

See the comments from my Steely Dan post to get the background on this one.

Who is your Popstrology Artist(s)?
http://www.popstrology.com/lookup.html

Also, I have to note I didn't even know who my artist is (Check Out, 1979, October 2nd).
Regardless, this is a fabulous way to think about the music which has been etched into my core. My connection to Steely Dan is deeply related to my connection with my father, who introduced me to them.

Popstrology seems to fit the post-modern bill and even in its kitsch-ness provokes some really personal and, of course, musical contemplation. Thinking back in my life, I am struck with what artists were at the top of the charts during certain monumental moments in my life.

Another great artist that I swear was first discovered by my Dad himself, is
Lyle Lovett and His Large Band. Also, probably not super popular among the blogger crowd. His music changed my life. I do not consider him a country singer either. I consider him a blues/gospel musician. More importantly, he is kind of responsible for some of the best moments I've spent with my family and my Dad. I am thinking of a road trip, a four hour concert and just really cool conversations. Plus the sacred bond of our family being hip to Lyle's greatness while the rest of the world seems to miss it is really special to me.

Thanks for the open-mindedness and fabulous comments.

What about Steely Dan?

2005-03-21T13:40:00.000-08:00

Steely Dan is perhaps my favorite band of all time. Not just because of their fantastic lyrics, but also because of their grossly underappreciated musical talent. The unfortunate habit that department stores, easy listening stations and smooth jazz cafes have of blasting Steely tunes with absolutely no vocals drives me crazy. It doesn't help that the only Steely song blaring from most classic rock stations is "Ricky don’t lose that number", my least favorite song.
Steely Dan is a great jazz and rock band. All of the musicians in the band are incredibly skilled. The layering involved in creating a brilliant song like "Sign in Stranger" is very complex. It is a lyrical masterpiece. The content relates to that which many of my blog readers can relate to, no?

Furthermore, Donald Fagan is a recovering addict, who despite the horrors of that world, got his shit together, sucked it up and continues to make high quality music. Unlike some more popular junkies I know. Finally how many bands do you know that need a dictionary?

I felt inclined to make this defense after standing outside a flower shop with a good friend who made an "ugh" remark at the Steely Dan song coming from the stores speakers.

Oh, and does everyone know what a Steely Dan is? wink wink

Postmodern Link of the Day and other things

2005-03-18T08:09:00.000-08:00

This link is fantastic, it is an automatic essay generator that randomly creates post-modern topic essays: The Postmodernism Generator: Communications from Elsewhere

Addressing the blog question posed by the mysterious Baby Livey:
I believe blogging is both a generational syndrome and a sign of the times.
As a syndrome, the act of blogging is representative of a generation that is over exposed to various forms of expression via the internet and random New Media forms. I think Blogging is a collective reaction to these forms as well as a means to cope with technical super stimulation. Perhaps, blogging is representative of a generational voice.

I think a "sign of the times" is an equally adequate description. Can it be both?

Everyone's thoughts?

You can view Baby Livey's comment in the comment section of the previous blog.

An Editor's Self-portait

2005-03-16T13:12:00.000-08:00

Posted by: oyster776

How is this for for self-endulgent postmodernism?

Synchronicity Part 2

2005-03-11T15:25:00.000-08:00

The first thing is that I have to say is that I adore the banter and debate from the past few days-it was lighthearted and as Sarah said, very post-modern. Also, I have been having a tough time commenting on everyone's blogs recently. I read them all. I just feel at a weird loss for words. My short-term goal is to comment like a mad woman for the next few days. Okay, now for the meat and potatoes: Synchronicity has manifested itself again in a gigantic way, or unusual coincidence is just becoming the norm.

The Back Story:
I am twelve or thirteen, I think. I am young. I spend every afternoon walking home from the bus stop with my comrade Alex. He is brilliant and beyond his time. I am awkward, hormonal, self-conscious, narcissistic and just starting to discover drugs and alcohol. Regardless, I hang out with Alex constantly. It is spring time and summer break is approaching. Alex and I are experimenting with weed and booze, foreshadowing my future love affair with narcotics and depressants. For the most part though we are young and innocent-ish. Alex announces that his best friend, Ben, from Seattle (where his mom lives), is going to be visiting for the summer. Ben arrives early summer as expected. Ben becomes my first love ever. Ben has dreamy rock star appeal, sunken deep eyes and every quality a young potential deviant is looking for in a boy. We are three peas in a pod. Alex, Ben and I are inseparable. Ben ends up staying to live with his Dad. Ben is also beyond his years and knows more about the exciting world of D&A then Alex and I at this point. This is not obvious at all. I have no foresight. I am in love. The three of us pick up several others to join our merry band of pranksters. I actually have a small social group. Then comes the hit and the pit. One sunny Saturday, Ben shows up at my door with his father. Ben's dad found some weed that was hidden in Ben's room. Ben is going back to Seattle to live with his mom. Not next week, not tomorrow, right then and there. Ben is at my house to say goodbye.

The Middle Story:
Alex and I have never been the same. I took on a life of partying and Alex turned out as expected, overachieving and ambitious with humility. We both kept in touch with Ben but the calls became less frequent. I find out during a few conversations with Ben that he is pretty into the drug scene. I am too, but have not quite crossed the line. Ben and I go on to live parallel lives. Both of us kind of instinctually knowing about the other but not knowing the facts. Alex is subjected to taking me to detox and lending me a couple bucks here or there. After several years the calls with Ben have entirely stopped. Alex and I see each other every 6 months or so. I eventually become sober. "Back in the day" becomes a phrase that truly implies ten years ago instead of just something to throw out in conversation.

The Present:
I have not heard from Ben in almost five years. Alex and I barely see each other. As the result of an accidental call on Sunday evening (I thought I was calling Al's Cab Service), Alex and I end up making plans for this coming weekend. I am going to see him and his girlfriend for a few hours Saturday, "back in the hood". Weird but exciting.

Wednesday, a friend is over for dinner. I pull out some old photo albums and do the whole history of Emily spiel (ego). Opening the albums to pages with Ben's pictures I end up unearthing the whole tale to my guest.

Before bed I end up checking all the phone messages I have ignored over the evening. Guess who tracked me down? Ben's voice on the machine sends a goose over my grave. To put it better, I am complexly freaked out. I haven't even spoken about the guy to anyone in a few years. Ben has 8 months sober. He is putting the pieces of his life back together. He is living with his mom in Seattle. I have an overwhelming synchronicity to discuss on my blog.

Postmodern Link Of The Day

2005-03-08T08:49:00.000-08:00

This is an interesting example of some serious post-modern activity that a good friend thought I would dig. Check it out www.availableonthursday.com

A PICTURE OF A PICTURE

2005-03-07T23:48:00.000-08:00

Posted by: oyster776

Taken in B&N while flipping through photography books-love this shot

Mania

2005-03-07T12:55:00.000-08:00

So, The responses to my Grandparents blog were just fantastic. I love the colorful stories posted. It feels wonderful to invoke those kind of memories.
Today is going to be a boring post. I just want to expunge some nervous energy:

About twice a year I have a manic kind of episode. It usually follows a period of depression and is sometimes a reaction to depression. This is one of those episodes. I become overly excited about the world. I am inspired and emotional. I revisit the free-spirited character trait which has become buried by mundane daily tasks and the "grind". I have a billion ideas. Endless analytical conversations with others is my priority. I become superstitious. I feel incredibly "on" but without anything actually productive happening. I get easily confused about what is important in my life. This is an overwhelming feeling much motivated by major transition. I have bizarre dreams with seemingly no purpose. I want to buy trashy magazines and embrace television again. I reconsider my aversion to seafood. I think I should become an activist or join the Peace Corps. I want to write a novel about my life. I get interested in strangers on my bus and wish for their well-being. I know that something is upon me, but I have no patience to explore what might be revealed.

One way I could positively channel this energy is by working on an free lance editing job I've picked up. The documentary, a play by play of an unusual Hindu ritual in honor of the Goddess Kali, is packed with interviews in a rare Indian dialect. I am frustrated about the language barrier and fear that I am not properly expressing what the interviewees are trying to convey. It is a fabulous challenge. I've been procrastinating the whole thing for fear of not doing it perfectly. A typical behavior.

Little known fact: I played the guitar in my youth for quite sometime. I gave it up when alcohol and drugs became more important. I recently acquired a very cheap blue acoustic nylon string git-bucket. It stares at me every evening begging to be fondled. This is my attempt to think about, thinking about, actually playing the poor thing. It may also be another way to move this energy in the right direction.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall...

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

As always, I love to hear about your mania

Grandparents

2005-03-01T23:10:00.000-08:00

So, I have had a tough time wanting to commit to my blog the past few days. When I finally sat quietly a topic manifested.

I am not sure at what point in time the notion of respecting and looking to one's "elders" went out of style. I've always been a fan of this tradition. I think it really set in during my high school job.
I was working in a retirement community called the Wyncote Church Home. I was in dietary. This is not the most glamorous job as one might imagine. Regardless of the fact that I was serving food to women and men incapable of feeding themselves, I am grateful that I had this job. During dinner hour I felt like the dining hall was a gigantic historical text. Many of the patients were incoherent. This did not stop them from shouting our random war stories and recollections from the 20's.
It just occurred to me that I haven't heard many stories about peoples Grandparents:

I have never met my Grandparents on my Father's side. They died sometime around my birth, if I am correct. I am completely convinced that there are pieces of me that resemble them. Every time I look at pictures of them with my Dad as a boy, I feel as if I have known them just as well as any one who I have known alive. There is a photo of my Father with his parents at his Bar Mitzvah. That image popped into my head several times when I became a Bat Mitzvah just last year.

My Grandparents on my Mother's side who I refer to as Gran and Grampa Jim are the most brilliant people I have ever known. Just a week ago a book of poetry arrived in my mailbox that Grampa Jim must have just published. Gran and Grampa Jim have been writing poetry and traveling the world since I was old enough to recognize them and for years prior. They have been living in the same apartment for over 20 years in New York City. The sound of my Grampa Jim reading random facts and articles out loud is instantly soothing. Gran will ask me how I am every time she sees me and then instinctively ask me again, how are you really? They have endured countless school plays and my early poetry and every Christmas for all of my life. I actually feel the knowledge of experience on top of experience oozing out of them. I feel like if there is anyway to really live it is the way my Grandparents live.

Part of the way I learned to stay sober was by the guidance of those who preceded me; well it was actually the only way I learned to live at all. This is my ode to those who know better then I.

I'd love to hear some good Grandparent tales.

On the weather

2005-02-24T12:15:00.000-08:00

The snow storm in time lapse

watching the weather in time lapse on MSNBC
we are so temporary
little screen lemmings beeping away
heart ache is only a jump cut long
true love is a light blinking in an apartment window
in the afternoon
the atmosphere just a pixelated blur
a light white dusting
riding the bus looks so easy and quick
an empty parking lot
the sky has a melting quality
work is ending early
the street is bare
there is nothing to arrive home early for

-02/24/2005

Abraham-Hicks

2005-02-23T10:33:00.000-08:00

Last night I was reminded by someone of the wonderful world of
Abraham-Hicks.

Esther Hicks, a mid 50's female, is apparently a channel (that is right, a channel) for the infinite knowledge of an other worldy group of entities called Abraham. She apparently dialogs with these entities and then speaks and sells books and tapes about the wisdom given to her by these sentient beings.
So, it is totally hokey and silly. Regardless, I have for years been obsessed with channels and the kind of wisdom they are apparently transmitting for our benefit.
I have spent countless nights detoxing from heroin listening to Abraham-Hicks tapes. And when one is detoxing there is nothing that brings any comfort or relief.
Abraham-Hicks did however provide some hope.

So, here are some Abraham-Hicks quotes (I am prepared to be made fun of):

You are here in this body because you chose to be here.
You wanted the opportunity to experience this delicious contrast in time and space, and with great anticipation you came to co-create with other joy-seeking beings, to fine-tune the process of deliberate thought. (What, where, when and with whom are your choices, too.)

You are a creator; you create with your every thought.
You often create by default, for you are getting what you are giving your attention to wanted or unwanted but you know by how it feels if what you are getting (creating) is what you are wanting or if it is not what you are wanting. (Where is your attention focused?)

The Universe adores you; for it knows your broadest intentions.
You have come to earth with great intentions, and the Universe constantly guides you on your chosen path. When you are feeling good, you are, in that moment, allowing more of that which you have intended from your broader perspective. (You are Spirit Incarnate.)

You may appropriately depart your body without illness or pain.
You need not attract illness or pain as an excuse to leave. Your natural state coming, remaining or leaving is that of health and of Well-being. (You are free to choose otherwise.)

Another cool channel:
(The Original) Seth, channeled by Jane Roberts

A freaky description of Channeling

So, what about the title?

2005-02-21T16:46:00.000-08:00

I thought it might make sense to actually address the inspiration behind the title of this blog and hear a little about how others define the concept.

post·mod·ern
Pronunciation: "pOs(t)-'mä-d&rn, ÷-'mä-d(&-)r&n
Function: adjective
: of, relating to, or being any of several movements (as in art, architecture, or literature) that are reactions against the philosophy and practices of modern movements and are typically marked by revival of traditional elements and techniques
- post·mod·ern·ism /-d&r-"ni-z&m/ noun
- post·mod·ern·ist /-nist/ adjective or noun

Postmodernism is many things to many people. I see myself as a living example of the term as a result of being a product of an American society that is essentially re-doing everything again and again.
This could apply to music, literature, film, general media, philosophical thought etc.
I quite simply am a living reaction to the world around me.
Although, really brilliant people debate the subject everyday using really complicated terms and examples, I still plan on attempting to address the subject on and off in my blogs.

I guess my favorite example of postmodernism currently is The Grey Album mixed by DJ Dangermouse. This album is known as a mash-up. It is essentially a album of Jay-Z's called The Black Album, mixed in a highly sophisticated way with The Beatles' White Album. It has recently been banned due to copyright infringement laws. Regardless, if there was ever a human example of this innovative musical "mash-up", it would myself. I have felt for a long time that musically I reside in the grey area. The grey area is a familiar world for those who grew up in the 80's when hip hop was emerging but touring with the Dead was still a requirement for those of us with hippy-dippy parents. Dangermouse's intricate sampling is a great metaphor for my personal artistic challenges. When filmmaking and writing I am constantly trying to figure out the best way to express the "grey area".

Another great example of postmodernity is these blogs themselves. They seem to be a reaction to the stream of consciousness writing form as well as a positive venue in which to process our rapidly booming technology.

Love to hear everyone's thoughts or favorite postmodern topics.

Also, I asked a friend for blog writing suggestions, I decided to include their response:
blog topics: that's tough because for me i usually don't write unless i am inspired or otherwise driven to write about something. or if i have a story or idea in mind that i am trying to put into words. maybe you could write about how the city looks in the aftermath of a storm on your way to work at dawn, a cold, grey haze reinforcing the already cold, artificial environment. everyone freezing and moving quickly with cold stoic fixed gazes as they trudge robot-like barely awake on a monday morning, on autopilot, to their jobs.. not smiling and not interested in anything or anyone but their destination. how different it is from, say a warm, spring afternoon where young couples are smiling pushing their babies in strollers, people are walking their dogs and joggers are everywhere, everyone is happy and instead of grey, everything is warm and colors are saturated..

Synchronicity

2005-02-17T07:40:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to write about some examples of the synchronicity phenomena for a few days.
Although the past few weeks have been really challenging, and I've had a bad case of the blues, I've still been able to recognize some of the tiny things that remind me I am connected to everything around me in a really special way. I guess this could be called God, the moon, irony or just coincidence, but whatever you call it these small occurrences have been keeping me afloat:

I get an e-mail from a friend from high school that recognized me from myspace who I have not heard from in 8 years. The same night another friend tells me she works with someone who knows me from high school, a totally different person but from the same grade, who I also haven't seen in 8 years.

I am in the middle of an e-mail conversation with a good friend of mine who gets a phone call notifying her that her Dad has cancer. My dad has cancer too.

I run into someone who I normally would not see because they have the day off for jury duty. Her and I have a great night together as a result. That night I had a jury duty notice in my mail.

Some others:

I make a personal pledge to work on my cultural literacy and start reading the newspaper again. What do you know? My sponsor gets me a subscription to the New York Times magazine as a graduation gift.

I keep thinking I should do more yoga or take some dance classes again. My younger brother calls me and asks if I would mind taking Capoeira classes with him. Do I need to mention that I was also trying to find a way to spend more time with my brother?

The less blatant:

People keep calling me right before I am about to call them.

My mom keeps instinctively calling when I am at my lowest moments.

I keep running into people I know from living in the half-way house. This is amazing when you realize how few people have survived from that house.

I know it may seem like I am digging here, but it feels good to know that the universe may be responding to me even if it is all just irony. This blog itself has manifested due to a turning point in my world.

Also Lyrics to The Police Synchronicity:
Synchronicity I

With one breath, with one flow
You will know
Synchronicity

A sleep trance, a dream dance,
A shared romance,
Synchronicity

A connecting principle,
Linked to the invisible
Almost imperceptible
Something inexpressible.
Science insusceptible
Logic so inflexible
Causally connectible
Yet nothing is invincible.

If we share this nightmare
Then we can dream
Spiritus mundi.

If you act, as you think,
The missing link,
Synchronicity.

We know you, they know me
Extrasensory
Synchronicity.

A star fall, a phone call,
It joins all,
Synchronicity.

It's so deep, it's so wide
Your inside
Synchronicity.

Effect without a cause
Sub-atomic laws, scientific pause
Synchronicity..................................

I'd love to hear about any synchronicity anyone else has been experiencing lately.

Reviewing the past for the benefit of the present

2005-02-15T00:38:00.000-08:00

This evening I decided to read over all of my old journals, something I have not done in years.
I found two writings that I thought would be interesting to share.

The first is a poem I wrote living in a half way house not even thirty days sober:

Everything consuming into itself,
the cycle of rebirth in reverse,
infinite inside out.
Seeing backwards inside our heads, inexpressive, detutionalized, ungrown
unprone, despun.
Deblooming flowers,
roots pulling up from the ground rising to the imploding atmosphere,
growing an umbilical cord.
Blowing milk into a mothers breast,
sinking rapid into rest.
Bullets running into barrel's.
Vinyl playing sublimial, defunked, ungodlyness, unsunk.
Unzipped, unhung, derect, unclimactic and no effect.
Itself consuming into everything.
12-15-2000

This next piece I found written exactly a month later in my journal, I hope it sounds familiar to some, it was part of Nelson Mandela's 1996 Inaugural Speech written by Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? You are a child of God, your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; It's in everyone. And as we let our own shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson -Read by Nelson Mandela in 1996
Journaled for personal reflection 01-14-2001

I also found an entry inbetween these two where I jotted down something my lover at the time, J, had said to me that day:

J said:

"sometimes it seems like your view of the universe is bi-polar, that one day you are passionate and in love with everything and the next day you are almost fed up, and when it comes down to it, you still really know it's all just a huge collective dream".

I think these old journal entries perfectly express how I have felt the past few days.

Holocaust on your plate

2005-02-10T16:33:00.000-08:00

In my office at work hangs a printed flag, the print is of a window pane set in stone. It's adorned with a lovely flowery window box. This flag hangs where a window would go, if a window was in my office. I didn't put it there, a co-worker felt I needed it.
This is how I have been feeling recently, it is as if there is a printed image where the real Emily should be: Clearly, I'll be riding the identity crisis roller coaster for the rest of my life.

This kind of mental image masturbation reminds me of when PETA ran an add campaign in 2003. The campaign called "Holocaust on your plate" compared holocaust victims to slaughter house victims (chickens and pigs). I was pretty sure I was Jewish the day I saw that add. It was the first time I was angry enough to actually write multiple letters to the PETA people, their response was of course a generic e-mail sent to anyone who ever made a PETA related complaint. I obsessed about the differences in the two scenarios. I kept thinking about how chickens are not haunted by their own images. I am pretty sure they have no ability to recall either. I kept envisioning myself as one of the few remaining holocaust survivors staring at an advertisement comparing my experience at the camps with that of pig in a slaughter house. In one of the campaign posters (which has magically disappeared from all internet searches) there is a picture of a shell of a man staring into the camera wearing his concentration camp attire side by side with a inserted modern day picture of a pig in a cage. Did I mention I don't keep kosher?

I am not sure how the fake flag window, my identity and "Holocaust on a plate" all connect, I just know my head is filled with images weighing me down.

Me pretending to be me

2005-02-09T02:07:00.000-08:00

My name is Emily, I am 25 years old and was suffering from severe blog envy until today. I've spent a significant amount of time, maybe 25-30% percent of the past 4 years trying to decide if I am either a hippie-dippy, kind of flaky, artsy, super-liberal filmmaking freak or a label wearing, even-keel, average-liberal research assistant suffering from OCD. I also have a really hard time determining if I am actually Jewish or not and have spent maybe 5 % of my time contemplating Judaism related issues.

I guess something else I plan to explore in my new blog is my musical interests. For as long as I can remember I've been obsessed with gospel music, specifically gospel music about Jesus. Kind of Trippy. I guess my musical tastes are probably what most noticeably distinguish my character from all the other blond-haired, blue-eyed American 25 year olds.

-Did I mention that I am slightly resentful that I have the all-American girl look, yet even with this resentment I tend to play it up.

I guess a few other things that may slip in with my thoughts include:
My experiences as a drug addict (now sober 4 years)
My father's prostate cancer (now in remission 1 year)
My classic romantic's bleeding heart
My confusion about the Higher Power concept
Therapy

I'd appreciate any constructive criticism, as I am new at this!